fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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