Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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