matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Randomize
