everyone is single if you try hard enough
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
