even my farts smell like vagina
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
