three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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