he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Randomize
