Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
