You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
