nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
