Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
