Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Houston, we have a blender
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
