oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
