I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
