I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
