Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
