I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
