If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
