ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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