eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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