bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
