it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
