drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
