I'm drive I can fine osifer
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My balls are so social today.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
