I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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