I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
So vagazzling was a success
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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