He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
