So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
