my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
You need a sexual gate keeper
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
