and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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