From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
