these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
