Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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