My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
