Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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