I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
