I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
