I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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