dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
