there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
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