I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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