oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
