Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
