two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
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