And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
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i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
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But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
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