you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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