hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
