Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
