I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize
