Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
