Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
Never underestimate the power of titties
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