The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
