M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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