Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
So vagazzling was a success
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
