i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
