I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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