I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
My bed is full of blood and feathers
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
