i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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